Firstly, I’d like to say how I have missed blogging and brain dumping on the world of social media. It’s been a while and a lot has happened, this is not an easy blog to write, so I will just go ahead like I always do and see what comes out…
It’s never easy losing a loved one.
Especially not your own mother.
Whereas this time last year I was getting excited and ready to head into London to meet my family and have dinner, this year I find myself slightly alone and still accepting how I feel.
It’s a odd sensation, last month I reflect on what happened, how I feel like I wanted to spend more time and it wasn’t fair, this would lead to anger and I find myself suddenly confused again.
It’s similar to puberty. The main difference is the emptiness that replaces the growth. The feeling of sorrow and grief, your body trying to understand the hole that cannot be filled. Trying to come to terms with an emotion that materialises into something that is not normally felt.
I guess the image above sums it up. Inside me, I have a storm of emotions which are enhanced with everything that is happening right now.
On one side of my mind, I am trying to come to terms and resume a normal life. On the other side, everything is attacking my subconscious mind from multiple different angles.
What I can be certain of… are my family ones.
I wrote a speech which I read out at the funeral of my Mum yesterday. The dormant emotions since she passed away creaked out whilst each of my sisters read their part. The speech came from the heart, I did not need to practice. I simply addressed everyone that was there and shared what Mum did for me whilst I was growing up.
I frequently reflect on how I wanted to spend more time with Mum. Now that she is gone. Some days I feel guilt. Some days I feel pain. Some days I don’t feel anything. She always looked after me whilst I was growing up and more recently, the roles were changed. I did not feel like the little boy that would need looking after, but more the Man that had a role to look after a loved one.
Saying goodbye to a loved one will never be easy for anyone.
…I just wanted to share with you all that if you ever needed me to share some emotion or share a moment or just simply to share after a loss.
…I can understand now. I will be there for you too.
Sleep well my love